I think I just might die...

Never have I been in such a stressed state. I spend countless moments daydreaming about the sweet release of death. To find rest for my weary heart. Paul was on to something when he said, "I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body." (Philippians 1:23-24) I don't think Paul was tooting his own horn by saying that they needed him. In fact, I don't think he was saying that at all. I think he was just saying it is better for the kingdom that those of us who are impassioned for Christ are here to serve the Lord with everything we've got. Meaning, there is no earthly benefit for us, other than Christ at the end of our journey. I'm no Paul. And I'm no saint. But, I am surrendered to the Lord. I only want to please him. I want to labor for his cause. But, friends, I am so tired. I want so much to just be with Jesus. I'm not suicidal. Don't misunderstand. I'm not looking for an escape. No, I care dearly for those I love and their well-being. I'm just not sure I can do all of this...work. I feel so weak, in every sense of the word. I'm heart-sick, I'm emotionally exhausted, spiritually drained, mentally overwhelmed. In the words of the Psalmist, "Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord." (Psalm 121:1-2)

This is the problem. My head and my heart can't get it together. I've been so busy fixing symptoms and not the root. The root is in my heart. It's only in the heart you'll find the root of the issues I've been laboring so hard to fix. I've been so concerned with the behavior of those around me, that I haven't taken time to point them or myself to the cross. Jesus said, "Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:29) He didn't say, "Cry out to me and I'll make you strong as the Hulk so you can do it on your own." But that is often what we'd prefer. We think, "God make me strong enough to do this on my own, handle my business. Give me more control and authority over the people and things around me and I won't have these problems." We don't like to remember God's words to Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Or Paul's response, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that the power of Christ can work through me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

This week, I was sending a teen some encouragement and I included the verse, "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will walk and not faint, run and not grow weary." (Isaiah 40:31) The prophet was explaining to the people of Israel that when we wait (expect from) on the the Lord, our strength is renewed. Not because we are given more strength, but because we walk in his strength; we do not walk in our own. His strength is sufficient for our trials and his grace sufficient for our failings. Our burdens are heavy when we trust in ourselves to cary them and not in Christ. I struggle a lot with worrying about "bad things" that people do or experience. I want to protect them, especially those I love. Yet, I must put my faith in God, not myself, or them. I must trust that he knows better and even if I think it is "bad" or "horrible," that God can use it for his glory. We renew our strength in him, trusting that, "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

So, while I'm struggling, I will boast in my weakness. God is working in me to trust him. My prayer is that I would simply be a testimony to 1 Corinthians 1:27, "But God chose the foolish things of the word to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." Two verses later, Paul says, "It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus..." I carry a lot of burden as I minister to people here in Bolivia. I take on their sins as my errors and their failings and my ineptness. But that is not my job. I can not and should not attempt that burden. Christ did that already. They are bought by his blood, not mine. They are a people of his possession, not mine. So I trust them to him. I teach, I obey his word, I submit to his leading. But I am not responsible for their growth. The more I learn to trust Jesus instead of being "Mr. Fixit," the more I find rest in Christ, who is the prince of peace. May my longing be for Christ alone, and may every other worry and doubt be subject to his word.