A Testimony in the Midst of Despair

It's amazing the number of times I've thought, "this is indeed the worst thing that can happen to me." I think it's surprising the amount of times that I've assumed that things could get no worse. Life is hard. For everyone. It's so easy to see the gravity of our experiences in the light of what we perceive about those around us. We see our failings and our difficulties up-close, yet we can only see what others are willing to reveal to us. In this sense, we make a faulty assumption that our circumstances are worse than those around us. We despair and lament. I have had my share of difficulty and sorrow. In fact, so much so that I have on numerous occasions longed for death as an escape from the horror I faced.

I grew up without a father, feeling unwanted and rejected. Even when I found him at age 12, he was uninterested and after about 2 months of mail correspondence, I didn't hear from him again until I was an adult, married with children. I felt unimportant and worthless because of the lack of identity I faced in my father's absence. At the age of 5, the brother of my babysitter began to sexually abuse me. I had no clue what I was doing, but felt dirty, sinful, and afraid. I didn't say anything for a long time because I didn't know how to convey what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening or why I was experiencing the emotions I was feeing. Finally, almost two years later, I told my mother. I don't particularly remember her reaction. Only that I felt afraid, sorrowful, and filthy. The trauma of that experience compounded with the rejection from my father made me feel, not only worthless and unwanted, but trapped and enslaved. I had no control over what happened to me. I was simply an object. To some, a tool for their pleasure, to others a piece of the past to be discarded. I not only was enduring the inward turmoil of my abuse, but the outward opinions I saw in the eyes of those around me. I remember every action being judged in light of what had happened to me, as if I was nothing more than my abuse personified.

But I didn't fully understand what was going on inside me emotionally for a long time. And, because I didn't understand these feelings, I never conveyed them. I was a normal looking, slightly awkward and annoying little boy. In wanting to piece together understanding, I acted on thoughts and memories, doing things that I shouldn't have and that I regretted for a long time afterward. I began to do things in secret with the girls my age in my neighborhood and at my church, things that made me feel like I was able to take back some control in my life, yet it was simply a rouse. I was entrapped by the trauma of my past, deceived and only worsening the frailty and wounds of my heart.

Growing up without my father and surrounded by my single mother, my sister and a lot of girls in and out of our house, I struggled to find my masculinity. My brother was 14 years older and wasn't there much, but was a great big brother when he was - I've always loved him similarly to a father. I wrestled with what it meant to be a man. I grew up somewhat effeminate because of the influences around me. In middle school I was bullied and had little to no friends. I remember confiding in a friend, or who I thought would keep my secret, about the abuse of my past. But, he shared it with others and one day I walked into the classroom to find a letter taped to the wall with every private horrific detail of my abuse. The room full of 7th graders were all hoarded around the letter laughing at my expense, and when they noticed me in the room behind them they turned to face me, making jokes about me. I was called gay and faggot and so many other names that day. I ran from the room to the only teacher I felt comfortable with. She tried to encourage me but there wasn't anything to be said that could bring healing to my heart. This was the day I began to fantasize about suicide.

Within a year from that day, we moved to a new city as if God had taken me out of Egypt. I was excited about the change and the opportunity to make new friends. We found a good church and I was happy there. But no too long after, the bullying began again and I became, once more a captive of my past. Most of my friends were girls and I joined show choir to be with my friends. It backfired when I, yet again, was labeled for not fitting the mold of modern masculinity. Through a series of many events, circumstance, and experiences, all those thoughts from my childhood came tumbling back. I wanted to die. I did not want to live in this world, it was too hard. I didn't matter. I was nothing more than the butt of a cruel joke. I had nothing to offer, no value. I was nothing but a dirty, disgusting bastard.

I remember laying in bed, struggling with all of those emotions and I remember planing how I would end my life that night. I remember sobbing in my bed, pleading to God for relief. I wanted an 'out.' I remember my mom finding me and I remember her desperation for my condition. She called a leader in our youth group to see if he could come talk to me. I remember not wanting her to, but very reluctantly giving into something inside of me, a feeling that I needed someone to save me from myself. He came by the house and picked me up to go for a drive and a chat. I told him everything about my despair, except for the fact that I had planned to kill myself. I remember thinking that if I still wanted to do it afterward, I didn't want anyone to know I was planning it. In our drive and conversation, I felt a love I that I'd never known. A love from someone who genuinely cared for me yet didn't have to because of bonds of blood, etc. Someone who after hearing the disgusting truth of my past and my existence loved me anyway. It was the first time I was able to see and understand the love Christ has for us, for me. This man isn't perfect, he isn't God. He isn't a prophet or an angel. He was simply a servant, loving as Christ gave him ability. It was the first time that I felt value and importance, not because of obligation, but because of God's grace at work through someone who didn't have to come to my rescue, but did. My life changed that day. Even though I professed to know God long before that day, it was that moment in that truck that I knew God's love for me for the first time in the midst of my sin and worthlessness.

I began to have a new outlook on life. Things weren't magically better, it took time. But I climbed out of that valley by God's grace, holding tight to the anchor of Christ. Since then I've faced my share of valleys in different forms and in different ways, but I've learned that Christ is my anchor. I've faced valleys of shame and scorn, of hopelessness and desperation. But I am confident of this, my hope is in the Lord. Through the great fear that inhabits the valleys of this life, we hold great hope in the maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 46:1-3 says,

"God is our refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam,

though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah"

I needed to be reminded of this hope this week as I face yet another valley. Sometime the valley may feel like an endless pit, but I remind myself that "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength and will soar of wings like eagles" (Isaiah 40:31). I don't know who of you may be going through a valley today, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world. Your circumstance is not beyond the grace of God to "work all things together for good" (Romans 8:28). Remember the words of the psalmist, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." (Psalm 42:5) Let's remember Paul's words to the church in Rome, "we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5) Or, his words to the church at Corinth, "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." (2 Corinthians 4:8-10) Or his words to the church at Philippi, "The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

I hope you will bask in the presence of Christ as you meditate on his word. I pray that as I seek and am renewed, that you would also. I've been asked several times why I have such a passion for young people. This is the story of why. God has blessed me with difficult experiences and a testimony of perseverance. My prayer is that I can be that man for these young people who struggle with the things I've struggled with and more. I want to be a vessel of hope for the hopeless and share the confidence of Christ with those who feel worthless. Our value is found in the finished work of Christ on the cross of calvary. I can do no other than to submit myself at the feet of grace and labor with fervor to lead others to this place of redemption. Christ is bigger than our circumstances, God greater than our accusers, and the cross far more powerful than our sin and failings. God bless you today, may his peace reign in your heart.

The Sanctity of Life is the Pursuit of the Gospel

This morning, I was notified that a former student committed suicide. She leaves behind a grieving mother, two sisters, and a 2 year old child. My first reaction was shock. Then, sorrow found its way into my emotions. Now, however, indignation reigns in my heart. Now, I ask for the church to act.

I am indignant because this should not happen in a place that is so dominated by a "church" culture. This student made this choice herself, but my question is what drove her to such an act? Many will be quick to blame Satan for making her believe the lies that she had no hope, or that this will make people sorry, or whatever thought was circulating the track of her thoughts. My question is if the lies we believe bring us into bondage, where is our freedom?

"So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”"

(John 8:31-32 ESV)

If our freedom is found in truth, why does the church continue to refuse to proclaim it? Why are we so vocal about the "issues" but not about the savior? The message of the early church, the Gospel of Christ, was "repent and believe." We have generations of people in this "great country" of ours dying daily only to face an eternity in hell because we couldn't think up the right type of church program to draw them in. This may be an odd point for a Reformed thinker to make, yet I proceed.

"How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?"

(Romans 10:14 ESV)

The purpose of the church is to proclaim the Gospel. Yet, we have become so caught up in the lie that "God just wants us to be happy," that we fail to do the job we were meant to do. You wonder why our nation is on the path its on despite the numerous "Christian" organization who are active politically and socially, despite the number of mega-churches that flood our major cities. It is because we no longer proclaim the Gospel. Revealing man's sin and providing him the opportunity to cling with all of himself to the cross of Christ is no longer a priority. We are too busy trying to be politically correct and to get people to make a profession of faith, but we are so lazy and socially rooted that we don't dare ask them to bear fruit.

"“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits."

(Matthew 7:15-20 ESV)

We spend so much time, energy, and money on programs and events, yet where is the harvest? Church growth numbers? Please! Statistics show just as high a number leaving the church as there are coming into the church. You want a reason for this? It is simply because if Jesus didn't get them through the door, Jesus won't keep them there. You have many who may claim that it worked for them, but where is their fruit. Take away the fun services, the get-togethers, the lights and the music, and will they still stay? Are they bent in anguish for the cause of Christ or caught up in the american church culture and what God can do for them instead of the other way around? We are no longer acting like the church, but we have made post-modern moralistic humanism our religion, where self and community service is our god.

"But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people."

(2 Timothy 3:1-5 ESV)

I don't know how anyone could read the passage above without thinking our "America," let alone the world in which we live. We are a proud and arrogant people. We seek self-satisfaction above all else. Our youth are disrespectful, people are ungrateful, and we are such a slanderous people. Notice the last part of this passage: "having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power." What do you think this means? That people want to deny the power of God? No! That would be foolish.

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous shall live by faith.”"

(Romans 1:16-17 ESV)

Denying the power of God is to deny the Gospel. We build churches in the name of Christ. We start programs and small groups and Christian living bible studies all in the name of Christ. Yet, how many of us have every proclaimed the Gospel to the sinners with which we come into contact daily? We are so worried about driving them away. Worried about offending them. Worried about their heart, their self-esteem, their friendship. If our hearts are truly bent on pursuing Christ and fulfilling his commission, we have no choice but to act. Not by our weekly attendance, but our daily proclamation. "Oh you need to speak the truth in love." "Tell them about God's love."

My issue with the first statement above is that people are spending too much time "loving" and far too little time speaking the truth. If the vessel of someone's freedom is not released by our mouths, we are not loving them. My issue with the second one is that it isn't biblical. We are quick to quote that God so loved the world, but rare to never quote that He hates all who do wrong (John 3:16, Psalm 5:5). God is just, we are not, therefore He hates us in our sin-nature. Yet out of His love for His creation, He provided the precious blood of Christ to cloth us in righteousness so that we are then acceptable to God. Not of our own merit, but ONLY through the precious blood of Christ. To this redemptive work should we cling! Not to our programs and our culturally relevant services!

"But if, in our endeavor to be justified in Christ, we too were found to be sinners, is Christ then a servant of sin? Certainly not! For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose."

(Galatians 2:17-21 ESV)

We do not live to our satisfaction, but to the glory of God! This lie that "God just wants us to be happy" is nothing more than a guise by Satan to place the focus of man inward on self rather than outward on the beauty of Christ. Yes, God wants us to be happy, but He wants to be our happy. Not the things of this world, Him and Him alone! Are you satisfied in Christ? Are you so satisfied that if your were stripped of everything in this life as Job was, that you would be fully content in Christ? This is the aim of the Christian. This is the ultimate goal.

"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever."

(1 John 2:15-17 ESV)

"If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."

(John 15:6-11 ESV)

We are to abide in Christ, which is the word of life. This word is the Gospel. We are to "hide it in [our] heart so that [we] might not sin against God." We are to, in the example of Christ, live this word. We were not meant to be hearers only, deceiving ourselves in our knowledge, but doers of the word (James 1:22). We are called to examine ourselves to see that we are in the faith, lest we fail the test (2 Corinthians 13:5). We are to hold one another accountable so that God is glorified in our lives (Proverbs 27:17), but we are so afraid to be labeled zealot, self-righteous, or judgmental."You will know them by their fruit." We are to judge the fruit of our brothers to ensure that the church is bearing it. We hold each other up in grace and in patience, but most of all in truth.

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

"If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another."

(Galatians 5:16-26 ESV)

My petition to you is that of the Apostle Paul in 2 Timothy, "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth" (2 Timothy 2:15 ESV). Other translations say "study to show yourself approved." We must be Bible Christians. We must study the word of truth and do our best to show ourselves approved. You are not saved, nor justified, by your works or your will. It is only through the blessed blood of Christ. But we are to remember that "faith without works is dead." Wake up church, and spur your brothers and sisters to action. It is time for revival, it is time to live the truth we seem to have forgotten how to proclaim.

"What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead."

(James 2:14-17 ESV)