Blessings Aren't Typically Easy

My kids are great. Don't get me wrong. They are truly a blessing. Only problem is that the common theme of "blessing" in the Bible isn't the "Ooh look at this money, and that easy road, and comfortable this, that, and another." In the beatitudes (Matthew 5:1-12), Jesus implicitly defines "blessed" as an earthly condition or state that comes with heavenly reward. "Blessed are the poor in spirit...those who mourn...the meek...the hungry...the merciful...the pure in heart...peacemakers...those who are persecuted..." I say this to say that sometimes (most of the time) real blessings don't really feel like blessings.

Somehow, we've redefined the term blessed to mean lucky, privileged, abundant, etc, etc, etc. But this cultural understanding we've developed in America isn't correct. What I find ironic is that if you google search "blessed definition" you get a result that seems to be far removed from our Land-of-the-Free connotation. The first definition is "made holy, consecrated." As a related side note - this is comical - the second definition is "term used in mild expressions of annoyance or exasperation." I don't know about you, but I've found myself in plenty of situations that caused me exasperation and great annoyance yet brought about very positive growth in me. This is what blessing means, that we endure uncomfortable situations and circumstances that produce growth in us and grant eternal (not temporal) reward.

Okay, back to the kids. Yeah, they are a blessing from the Lord. I love them more than just about everything else in the world. But let's face it, sometimes our kids get on our nerves. Some times they exasperate us and just really annoy us. We all like to look at the "good days" and consider our sweet little blessings from God. We tend to think of our love for them or their love for us as our blessing, or we find it in pride of our family line, or the passing of our name, etc. Be honest, how often do you think of your toddler's (or in my case, your five year old's) tantrums as your blessing from the Lord? Or when you get little eyes rolled at you or a disrespectful comment? What about when they have difficulty - sickness, bullied, or worse? I bet you just slap a big smile on your face and yell "Hallelujah" from the roof of your house.

But lets think for a second about what a blessing really is - the consecration and sanctification of the believer. How are we made holy? How are we conformed to the image of Christ? Once you answer this, you discover what "blessed" really means. We are made holy by the washing of the word, the doing (not just hearing) of the word. James 1:27 even says that we are kept unstained (or in a sense - made holy) through caring for orphans and widows (the least, the less fortunate) in their affliction. Our service to the community, our mourning, our poverty, our struggle, our mercy, our gentle humility (meekness) - these are our blessings. These are the things that make us more like Christ. And for those of you with children, you know that they bring about just about all of these. What Christian parent does not know of mercy, poverty, mourning, gentleness, hunger (we all know we sneak snacks in the closet), peacemaking (especially if you have more than one), and persecution in the life of raising their little "blessings."

Tonight, I found myself exasperated, persecuted, mournful, hungry... All at dinner time.. So, as I sat steaming over my daughter, Carmen, not eating her delicious and nutritious soup, I thought about that biblical idea of children being a blessing from the Lord. I honestly spent a few seconds resenting that verse because I was blinded by all the "difficult" moments of parenting. I realized that I had failed to see my real blessing. My opportunity to become more like Christ as I learn to be merciful, patient, gentle. To have more of his character developed in me through lack, frustration, and difficulty. Yes, my love for them and their love for me is an amazing gift from God. But, my blessing lies in what these treasures teach me, simply by being themselves.

We won't be in the parenting season forever. They grow up. We must treasure our time with them and not resent the lessons we learn from them. Zachariah 4:10 says, "don't despise the small beginnings..." Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 4:18 that we are not to focus on the seen (temporal) things, but to focus on the unseen (eternal) things. There is more to our God than this momentary wisp of humanity we call life. We are to steward all our gifts for his glory, including our kids. But we must be ready and willing to see the "blessing" they are meant to be. We have to learn to appreciate the growth and maturing that happens in us. Let's not despise those small beginnings of terrible twos and adolescent disrespect, but see the eternal lessons and the shaping of our hearts that happens in us, and anticipate the wonderful example we can be for our kids.

Fathering is Easy, Dadding is Hard

I didn't know my dad until I was 12. Then after that, I didn't know him again until adulthood. At 27 he decided to know me. Then, at 28 I decided I did not want to know him after discovering some disheartening information that I felt put my family at risk. The on again, off again awkwardness of trying to have a relationship with this "dad" I so desperately longed for was an emotionally draining aspect of growing up and has caused me much pain as an adult in my role as "dad."

As a child, I prayed every night (every single night - without fail) to meet my dad, whom I didn't know. "Lord, please let me meet my dad before I die." Looking back, I think it was strange that the child-me prayed only to meet my dad and not to know my dad. I remember longing for that relationship, someone to teach me things, take me places, show me how to be a man. But in my prayer, I only asked for an encounter - to meet him. Was it because I was afraid or did I feel that I didn't deserve the relationship? Maybe, in my mind, meeting him was already too much to ask for. 

It's amazing how our experiences as children can shape our attitude about ourselves and about life. I've never been one of those parents or advocates of "building self-esteem," but I do believing in fostering appropriate confidence in our children. Sometimes for lack of confidence, we esteem (lift up, worship) ourselves. I think the most "cocky" of individuals are typically those who have the least confidence - why else is there such a need to prove their worth? 

I'm not a cocky person, or at least I've never felt that way. But, I do know that I sometimes (often times if we are being honest) try to prove my worth to those I love most, somehow, trying to battle the fear that they'll reject me too if they see that I'm really not as valuable as I make myself seem. I grew up feeling like I wasn't worthy of a dad, assuming there was some intrinsic lack in me. This is what absence does to a child. It isn't so much as rejection, but a perception of low value. 

At 12, my mom found my dad, and through a series of connections and some minor planning, I met him. My prayer had been answered after roughly 8 years of praying. It was a happy three months, until the phone calls and letters stopped. There I was again, no value a dad could appreciate. But God is gracious. My mom, who loved and sacrificed so much for us, was a necessary anchor for me. She constantly encouraged, affirmed, and loved me through all the bouts of pain. But, God was not just gracious with my mom. He gave me the best brother and sister a boy with low self-esteem could have. 

My big brother, when he was able and home (there was a 14 year gap between us), would practice baseball with me - drilling pitching mechanics, yelling at me not to be lazy, making me go get the ball when I'd get angry and throw it as hard as I could in any direction. "Put your arm back. Push the ball, don't pull it. Get your elbow behind it." he'd say as we were in the yard in front of our trailer. When I was even smaller, I remember him taking me to the gym while he worked out. I think he was just responsible for me at the time, but I remember thinking that he took me because he just wanted me around. Thanks to Matt, I have an awesome memory of stretching with Jerry Rice in a room at the YMCA in Greenville, MS. To this day, as adults, I can still hear a sense of love and protectiveness in my brothers voice. He will never know what he means to me. Us guys aren't supposed to talk about this stuff too much or people will think we're weak. Matt, I love you man. You were the man I wanted to be growing up. 

As an added bit of undeserved grace, God gave me my sister before I even existed. Reagan was my "under-study mom" for all the moments my mom was having to work to care for her family. There were times I wished I got more time with mom, but I never felt unloved, rejected, or slighted by my mom. She loved us to the fullest, and we knew the sacrifices she made to make sure we were taken care of. But as a child, God knew I'd need a nurturer in moments that she couldn't be there. Reagan was this for me. I remember us fighting all the time! But, I'll always remember her being protective of me as we walked home from school in Leland. I'm pretty sure she ran down a bus one time because a little boy called me a name from the window as it passed. Reagan probably doesn't remember it though - I seem to always remember things she thinks I dreamed. She pulled all my teeth, every one. And even shoved a bully (at church of all places) into the boys bathroom and told him if he ever put a hand on her little brother she'd put some on him. No offense to Matt, but I grew up thinking Reagan could beat up an MMA fighter. Reagan, I love you and credit you with the seeds of confidence that were planted in me as a child. 

Flashing forward to today, as a dad myself now, I battle constant fears of "How do I do this?!" I don't know how to be a dad, but I remember how to love. And as I go through life with the daily pulls of my time, energy, and thoughts, I have to remind myself of what the feelings of absence do to a child. I have to remind myself that just because my kids have a father in the home doesn't mean that I'm being their dad. I have to remind myself to invest time, energy, and thought in my children. I want my kids to grow up confident. Not self-esteeming, but sure of their place and their names. They are Powells, which mean they are mine. God has granted me these amazing blessings that I get to steward while one this earth and my constant prayer is that God would provide reprieve for them when I don't measure up. Not reprieve to alleviate my duty, but grace for my kids when I fail because I'm human. 

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrio

are the children of one's youth.

Blessed is the man

who fills his quiver with them!

He shall not be put to shame

when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."

Psalm 127:3-5

JUST GO TO SLEEP!!!

     I sat down with the intention of writing a blog about the "bread of life" and all I can think about is how frustrated... no, I'm angry (let's be honest)... how angry I am at my daughter who is supposed to be laying quietly for a nap. Instead, she is whining and crying (for show - she's so talented she makes Disney look like community theatre on Jersey Shore (no, I don't watch that trashy show - but I've seen enough Snooki jokes on Pinterest). As I'm typing I hear the continued cry for attention, not sincere fear or discomfort or sickness. I hear a little girl with amazing powers of manipulation playing the "squeaky wheel gets the oil" game.

     This may sound bad for a parent to talk about his kids this way, but guys, let's be honest: kids are born manipulators. Parents inadvertently teach the importance and skill of manipulation through behavior control. I want her to lay down without questions and sleep for however long it takes me to get the things done that I cannot do while the kids are awake, or simply for me to rest for an hour. I want her to walk calmly and quietly in public beside me. I want her to take responsibility for her things and her choices. I want to control her. What happens, though, is that we battle for an hour, she sleeps for 20 minutes and I am angry, she is grumpy, for the rest of the day. Everyday. Control is not the answer, but that is our go-to tactic. Control. "Control your kids" is the cry from society. We no longer implore teaching or "training a child up in the way he should go."

     I am not a perfect parent. I fail miserably every single stinking, difficult day. I am angry when I should be joyful. I am impatient when I should be patient. I am wrathful when I should be bearing in love. Why? Those are easy emotions. They don't require any kind of control.

Galatians 5:20-23; "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these...But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control..."

Colossians 3:1-8, 12-14; "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desires, and covetousness which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth....Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other...and above all these put on love..." 

     My anger as a parent at my kids is not godly or good fruit. It is a work of my flesh and it is sinful. My anger and my wrath as the result. I am not perfect and holy. Only God is. His wrath on my sin is just. My wrath on my child for not conforming to my need for control is not just. It is not wrought from my faith in Christ. And because it is not the result of my faith, it is sin. Realizing this, I am seeing even more just how much of a sinner I really am and how often I fail - everyday. The point is that now I can learn and mature. My prayer is that I learn to develop the same love with my kids that allows me to "bear with my neighbor" in his or her sin. My prayer is that God will help me to separate my identity as a "successful Christian parent" from my children's choices, realizing that my kids are sinners too. Training them, teaching them, is what I am instructed to do, and "they will not depart far from" that instruction. I am not called to control them, but that idea is so hard to overcome.

     What is most difficult to do, and to walk out, is a life of training and instruction. I am called to instruct my kids as we go along our day. I am called to train my kids using the circumstance and situations of life. I am to take the time to explain why I (or the family) has made a particular choice or acted in a particular way. This is not easy parenting. In fact, it is soooo much easier to just use spankings, time-outs, rewards, etc to modify their behavior. I'm not saying there should not be consequences or rewards - goodness no! But, I am saying that those should be the smallest and most minute aspect of our child-rearing. We are supposed to bear with them - meaning we carry a weight too. You can't bear with someone, unless you have the yoke on your shoulders too. But far too often, we think parenting is sitting back with the whip while we steer and direct. I'm guilty of this, so guilty.

     Lord help me not to be a lazy, angry, wrathful, impatient parent. Help me to bear with my kids, instructing them in the Lord and modeling for them, with the strength of Christ, the fruits of the Spirit. Remind me of your word and your patience with me. Remind me of your joy to bear with me and let that joy spur me to bear with my children as they learn your ways and grow to love your word. Thank you that I am not alone and that you, by your spirit, strengthen me to walk in each step you've planned for me as a dad. Forgive me for parenting in my flesh, and help me to be lead by your spirit as I teach and instruct. In Christ name I pray and trust, Amen.

Questions for myself and for you:
1. How will you change your engagement and attitude toward your children's poor choices?
2. How will you implement instruction "in the way they should go" from this point forward?
3. How will you challenge yourself to know the difference between control and instruction?
4. How will I live in front of my children strategically through example?
5. How will I deal with their failings in a way that will instruct and train them, rather than simple behavior modification?

Man Bashing - Perversion of Masculine Role

At a conference, years ago, author Richard Exley said that "the most insidious form of deception is when we use the truth to deceive." I've always remembered that quote because it was so powerful. To think of using partial truth to communicate a whole lie. Like when my daughter says, "she hit me!" and then withholds the fact that she hit her sister first. The idea of using truth, which God ordained to bring freedom, to imprison one's self to falsehood; such is a great perversion of God's will and God's character. Our society has begun to propagate partial truths that are deceptive, causing many to obtain beliefs and understandings that are contrary to God's word. One such perversion of truth has become the role and responsibilities of manhood.

We see that women are capable of everything that men are; a truth. Women's rights movements push to destroy the 'glass ceiling' and feminist push for the abandonment of societal 'gender roles.' Women are taking positions of public office, positions of authority, and involving themselves in professions and activities once solely inhabited by men. Likewise, we see a migration by many men toward jobs and activities previously dominated by females. We are seeing increases of female CEOs and male nurses. More and more women taking on the position of 'head of household' either wantingly or otherwise. A woman's ability to take on these responsibilities is not in question. That ability is a truth; they are capable.

I heard someone say once, that just because something is true doesn't make it right. Truth is, I can fill out a ticket as good as any police officer. However, unless I have been granted that authority and commissioned to take on that responsibility, I have no right to pull someone over and write them a ticket. God created man and woman with established roles. Not because one was greater than the other, but because this role was to exemplify the relationship between himself and the church. God ordained man for authority, and with any amount of authority comes responsibility.

God has been dealing with me lately; not solely on my responsibilities as a husband and a father, but also the role God ordained for man. God set man as head of the land, head of his family and home. God gave man the responsibility that comes with this position; to govern, to lead, to train. Man was commissioned to represent Christ's love, to teach his family the ways of the Lord, to affirm and encourage his wife, to teach and disciple his children. This position has been compromised due to, not only the evident truth of a woman's abilities to perform these tasks, but also the gap between instruction and discipleship of boys. Men are refusing to take up this call and thereby allowing the role God designed for men to be perverted, weakened, and belittled.

We constantly hear comments about the 'failings' of men. They are evident in tv, movies, and other media. This 'fall of man' is perpetuated by every aspect of society, including by the men who accept this defeat. We are inundated with comments like these:

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women."

"Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks."

"It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him."

"Men are a luxury, not a necessity."

These quotes, some subtle (and very g-rated compared to many I've heard), communicate this idea that men are simply a joke of evolution and not the creation of God's likeness. Man was made for relationship with God. Woman was made as a gift for man so that he "would not be alone." The problem is that men stopped appreciating this gift and forgot the purpose for which they were created. In their absence of responsibility, woman rose to the occasion to fulfill those duties of leadership.

This change has become so concrete in modern society that men are even taught, especially in our western culture, that women are to be treated as equals. We are taught, inadvertently, that it is okay (or even recommended) that men are 'equal' with their wives. My complaint is not that woman are given unjust liberties or that they should be subservient to man. My complaint is that men need to take up the responsibility that God gave them. Men need to be more responsible with regard to their children, with regard to their wives.

My job is to lead, encourage, and affirm my wife. To love her as Christ loved the church. To sacrifice myself to present her as pure and holy. If my actions, my words, and my intentions don't lead to her sanctification, then I'm failing in my responsibility as a man. If my days are not spent teaching and disciplining my children about the Lord, I'm failing. If my life lacks integrity and I lack self-control, ambition, and empathy, I am not the example I'm supposed to be.

My prayer is that God would raise up an army of men that walk with confidence, integrity, and valor. Men who submit themselves to God and live above the tide of accusation. My prayer is that men would take back their role as the head. I tire of hearing jokes, emails, etc about men not measuring up. What legacy are we leaving our sons? What purpose and value will they inherit because of the lives we live?