The Ugly Side of Love

I am not a perfect person. I am such a hypocrite and sinner. I fail daily. I'm selfish, I'm deceptive, I'm emotional, I'm manipulative, I'm human. So are you. We are evil people with hearts that are so often bound to our flesh, captive to our sinful nature. The war between our spirit, which seeks God, and our flesh, which is an enemy to God wanting what is contrary to His word.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm." - Ephesians 6:12

The problem is that we can see flesh. We can't really see spirit. And because we sense the battle, we fight the wrong opponent. We fight our accusers, even if their accusation is true because we don't want to face our guilt or think about the penalty we truly deserve. We fight our situations, even if it means we lose our focus on the one who is more powerful than our circumstance, because we'd rather worship our preferences over walking in obedience. We fight ourselves, because we lose sight of our purpose. We fight, we fight, we fight. And then, we run. We flee from the very thing we were called to struggle against.

What soldier goes to war without first being trained? And what athlete competes without conditioning? How do we endure the war within, without investing in preparation? In Luke 14:28, Jesus asked who, building a tower, would not first sit and count the cost. Who of us, laborers of the Cross, have not sat down to count the cost? I assure you, the price is very high. Paul wrote to Timothy (Tim. 4:8) that though physical training is of some value, godliness is better because it hold promises for the present and for eternity. Why do you think he related physical training to godliness? Because godliness requires work. We must train ourselves. This is why Paul says in his second letter to him (2 Tim. 3:16) that "all scripture was God-breathed" and useful for "training in righteousness."

We must put on the full armor and study to show ourselves approved (Eph. 6:10-18 and 2 Tim. 2:15). We must prepare for the battle, but knowing, meditating on, and doing God's word. And then, we have to fight the right battles.

Last night, I left around one in the morning to go to the police station here in Cochabamba to take a mother of one of the boys we work with to pick up her son who was at a party drinking under age. She was understandably upset, and I was so disappointed. I love this boy like my own. I worry for him, pray for him; I do everything I can to make sure he succeeds. I was not only disappointed, but I was angry. Angry that I couldn't control the situation and keep him from doing this. Angry that he has such influences in his life. Angry at the potential I see him wasting. I was ready for war. But I forgot that my battle was not against flesh and blood and in my anger and worry for him, because I love him, I yelled at him. "What are you thinking?!" "How could you do this?!" "You don't care about anyone but yourself!"

I saw no guilt on his face, no remorse from his actions, only anger. I saw resentment and bitterness. And rather than using "a soft answer" to "turn away wrath," I acted out in my flesh and in my fear. I fought the wrong battle and he shut down. He told me he didn't want to know me anymore. After the slow quiet drive home, I realized what I had done and attempted to speak more peacefully. But his heart was hard; and he has since removed us from his Facebook. I'm going to be honest, this wound is fresh. It is deep. And, it physically hurts. I love him and want so much for him to know deeply the love of Christ and that this love would change him. But I cannot change him. My fear cannot change him. My anger will not change him. My love will not even change him. Only God can do that. My battle is not against him. It isn't even against his circumstance. My battle is against the forces in my life that steal my focus from Christ.

I was under the impression that I was doing the right thing. But I was fighting a battle that wasn't mine. I was walking in my flesh and trusting my love for him over my savior's love for him. This is the ugly side of love. Love is a precious gift that God has given us to change us, to conform us, but even our love can be tainted by our flesh. When our focus is shifted and our goals are diluted, we lose sight of the object of our love, which is Christ. All other love for those arounds us stems from this one channel. The love we have for our savior. The love our savior has for us.

The authorities and evil forces we battle, are the very nature of sin we are born with and the flesh that we must daily crucify. We must fight against our pride, our hunger, our materialism, our want for approval, our fear. The "flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit" (Gal. 5:17). Let us put aside our pride and break the bonds of our flesh and seek our savior. Let Him be our aim and prize. Let's fight the right battle, the one that takes us closer to Him.