A Testimony in the Midst of Despair

It's amazing the number of times I've thought, "this is indeed the worst thing that can happen to me." I think it's surprising the amount of times that I've assumed that things could get no worse. Life is hard. For everyone. It's so easy to see the gravity of our experiences in the light of what we perceive about those around us. We see our failings and our difficulties up-close, yet we can only see what others are willing to reveal to us. In this sense, we make a faulty assumption that our circumstances are worse than those around us. We despair and lament. I have had my share of difficulty and sorrow. In fact, so much so that I have on numerous occasions longed for death as an escape from the horror I faced.

I grew up without a father, feeling unwanted and rejected. Even when I found him at age 12, he was uninterested and after about 2 months of mail correspondence, I didn't hear from him again until I was an adult, married with children. I felt unimportant and worthless because of the lack of identity I faced in my father's absence. At the age of 5, the brother of my babysitter began to sexually abuse me. I had no clue what I was doing, but felt dirty, sinful, and afraid. I didn't say anything for a long time because I didn't know how to convey what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening or why I was experiencing the emotions I was feeing. Finally, almost two years later, I told my mother. I don't particularly remember her reaction. Only that I felt afraid, sorrowful, and filthy. The trauma of that experience compounded with the rejection from my father made me feel, not only worthless and unwanted, but trapped and enslaved. I had no control over what happened to me. I was simply an object. To some, a tool for their pleasure, to others a piece of the past to be discarded. I not only was enduring the inward turmoil of my abuse, but the outward opinions I saw in the eyes of those around me. I remember every action being judged in light of what had happened to me, as if I was nothing more than my abuse personified.

But I didn't fully understand what was going on inside me emotionally for a long time. And, because I didn't understand these feelings, I never conveyed them. I was a normal looking, slightly awkward and annoying little boy. In wanting to piece together understanding, I acted on thoughts and memories, doing things that I shouldn't have and that I regretted for a long time afterward. I began to do things in secret with the girls my age in my neighborhood and at my church, things that made me feel like I was able to take back some control in my life, yet it was simply a rouse. I was entrapped by the trauma of my past, deceived and only worsening the frailty and wounds of my heart.

Growing up without my father and surrounded by my single mother, my sister and a lot of girls in and out of our house, I struggled to find my masculinity. My brother was 14 years older and wasn't there much, but was a great big brother when he was - I've always loved him similarly to a father. I wrestled with what it meant to be a man. I grew up somewhat effeminate because of the influences around me. In middle school I was bullied and had little to no friends. I remember confiding in a friend, or who I thought would keep my secret, about the abuse of my past. But, he shared it with others and one day I walked into the classroom to find a letter taped to the wall with every private horrific detail of my abuse. The room full of 7th graders were all hoarded around the letter laughing at my expense, and when they noticed me in the room behind them they turned to face me, making jokes about me. I was called gay and faggot and so many other names that day. I ran from the room to the only teacher I felt comfortable with. She tried to encourage me but there wasn't anything to be said that could bring healing to my heart. This was the day I began to fantasize about suicide.

Within a year from that day, we moved to a new city as if God had taken me out of Egypt. I was excited about the change and the opportunity to make new friends. We found a good church and I was happy there. But no too long after, the bullying began again and I became, once more a captive of my past. Most of my friends were girls and I joined show choir to be with my friends. It backfired when I, yet again, was labeled for not fitting the mold of modern masculinity. Through a series of many events, circumstance, and experiences, all those thoughts from my childhood came tumbling back. I wanted to die. I did not want to live in this world, it was too hard. I didn't matter. I was nothing more than the butt of a cruel joke. I had nothing to offer, no value. I was nothing but a dirty, disgusting bastard.

I remember laying in bed, struggling with all of those emotions and I remember planing how I would end my life that night. I remember sobbing in my bed, pleading to God for relief. I wanted an 'out.' I remember my mom finding me and I remember her desperation for my condition. She called a leader in our youth group to see if he could come talk to me. I remember not wanting her to, but very reluctantly giving into something inside of me, a feeling that I needed someone to save me from myself. He came by the house and picked me up to go for a drive and a chat. I told him everything about my despair, except for the fact that I had planned to kill myself. I remember thinking that if I still wanted to do it afterward, I didn't want anyone to know I was planning it. In our drive and conversation, I felt a love I that I'd never known. A love from someone who genuinely cared for me yet didn't have to because of bonds of blood, etc. Someone who after hearing the disgusting truth of my past and my existence loved me anyway. It was the first time I was able to see and understand the love Christ has for us, for me. This man isn't perfect, he isn't God. He isn't a prophet or an angel. He was simply a servant, loving as Christ gave him ability. It was the first time that I felt value and importance, not because of obligation, but because of God's grace at work through someone who didn't have to come to my rescue, but did. My life changed that day. Even though I professed to know God long before that day, it was that moment in that truck that I knew God's love for me for the first time in the midst of my sin and worthlessness.

I began to have a new outlook on life. Things weren't magically better, it took time. But I climbed out of that valley by God's grace, holding tight to the anchor of Christ. Since then I've faced my share of valleys in different forms and in different ways, but I've learned that Christ is my anchor. I've faced valleys of shame and scorn, of hopelessness and desperation. But I am confident of this, my hope is in the Lord. Through the great fear that inhabits the valleys of this life, we hold great hope in the maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 46:1-3 says,

"God is our refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam,

though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah"

I needed to be reminded of this hope this week as I face yet another valley. Sometime the valley may feel like an endless pit, but I remind myself that "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength and will soar of wings like eagles" (Isaiah 40:31). I don't know who of you may be going through a valley today, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world. Your circumstance is not beyond the grace of God to "work all things together for good" (Romans 8:28). Remember the words of the psalmist, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." (Psalm 42:5) Let's remember Paul's words to the church in Rome, "we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5) Or, his words to the church at Corinth, "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." (2 Corinthians 4:8-10) Or his words to the church at Philippi, "The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

I hope you will bask in the presence of Christ as you meditate on his word. I pray that as I seek and am renewed, that you would also. I've been asked several times why I have such a passion for young people. This is the story of why. God has blessed me with difficult experiences and a testimony of perseverance. My prayer is that I can be that man for these young people who struggle with the things I've struggled with and more. I want to be a vessel of hope for the hopeless and share the confidence of Christ with those who feel worthless. Our value is found in the finished work of Christ on the cross of calvary. I can do no other than to submit myself at the feet of grace and labor with fervor to lead others to this place of redemption. Christ is bigger than our circumstances, God greater than our accusers, and the cross far more powerful than our sin and failings. God bless you today, may his peace reign in your heart.

Grace to the Humble

Humility is a lost virtue, it seems, in our great nation. We pride ourselves on our pride and sing songs of self-praise at our greatness. How often have you heard someone talk about our 'great nation'? Now, I am in no way saying I don't think we have a nice place to live. This land is bountiful. We've come a long way. We have freedoms that other nations do not. Our government and economy show national stability. But, am I the only one seeing a rise of pride, simply for the sake of pride, coming up through the ranks in our American culture?

Popular music is filled "I told you" or "My life is awesome" themed lyrics. We pride ourselves in our possessions, our popularity, our status, our toughness, how well we can tell off the customer service agent.... We suffer from pride-itis.

Scripture tells us that God "opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." The reason God opposes the proud is because at the root, pride opposes God. Pride is rooted in flesh. In our selfish motives. In every area where our flesh rules, pride is present. Paul says in Romans 8 that the flesh is enmity with God, that through our flesh it is impossible to please him. Pride, because it is opposition to our creator, is the limiter of our salvation.

Salvation is by GRACE through Faith in Christ Jesus. We often focus on the faith, which is simply the channel. Salvation is of the Lord, a free gift. You do not obtain salvation simply because of your faith. Without grace, there is no salvation. Faith is the vessel through which we can receive grace, and grace is for the humble. This is why salvation is the result of effectual gospel. Paul said, "I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God unto salvation."

The gospel causes the illumination of our sin to occur within our gaze. The gospel reveals to us that under the law, we are condemned to eternity in hell with no way to save ourselves. There is nothing that we can do. This brings us low. This is where humility begins. The writer of Proverbs tells us that "humility is the beginning of wisdom." What is wisdom, but Christ manifest? The word became flesh - the Christ man. Christ is the wisdom and power of God. Thus, humility is the road that leads to Christ. It is the beacon which guides our ships to the shores of grace.

It is imperative, as we examine ourselves daily according to scripture, that we never lose sight of our sin, lest we lose sight of our grace. But thanks be to God, that it is not a matter of the keeping, but the seeking. Christ is faithful and HE will surely do it. We, being predestined to conformity to Christ, can trust that "God will work in us both to will and to do good works." Don't resist humility. By it, you receive grace. And this grace results in the garment of righteousness, which is Christ. Through it, you are more than a conqueror. In your weakness, His strength is perfected. So as for me, I will imitate Paul. "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."

Once Saved, Always Saved

"For it is not by works that you enter the kingdom of heaven..." Grace would not be grace if it depended on our works. Likewise, if we can do nothing to attain our salvation apart from believing, which is only enabled by grace, what can we do to lose our salvation? And if it is but to refuse to believe, by what might can any man resist God's will which has made us to believe? How can I see the sun and refuse to believe its existence? The idea that salvation can be lost is futile and causes unnecessary fear in true believers. What confidence is built in those to find this revelation! What comfort for those souls! How much more should this empower us to walk with gratitude in good works!

I grew up not believing in the perseverance of the saints. The whole "once saved, always saved" thing was for the Baptists and I was smarter than they were. I wasn't deceived like they were. Note the sarcasm, only because I am ashamed at my confidence in my ignorance. I have learned that the more I learn, the less I know. I would argue with my Baptist friends about this idea that our salvation was eternally secure. I would, at times, bring my opponent to my side of the argument. Not that the argument must be had or that it is proper to argue over doctrine. However, scripture tells us not to take part in "foolish arguments" that only lead to more arguments. This is important because some arguments are justifiable. If the argument produces edification, joy, and affirmation in our call as believers, I assure you, it is worth it.

So basically, this was my stance:

Salvation comes through man choosing Christ as his Lord and savior. He has confessed with his mouth and believed in his heart. He is saved. His will has saved him. The wages of sin is death. Should a saved man, not walk carefully in the light of scripture, he would give over to temptation and sin. This would be small step by small step. What a man sows, that shall he also reap. If a saved man is gradually choosing sin, which pays in death, and is sowing death through his conduct, which reaps death, how can this man receive, or reap, or be paid in eternal life (I still believe this sentence by the way)? If salvation comes by a choice, man can simply unchoose. The New Testament speaks many times of people "falling from grace," "losing their way," "denying the master who bought them," and so on. This makes sense. I almost even talked myself back into believing it while writing this. Our carnal minds, our modern philosophy want this to be true. The reason is because if its true, we have control.

Why I think this is a dangerous doctrine:

For one, this way of thinking sets the focus of our walk with the Lord on man. We become front and center. Our choices, our conduct, our power. But more importantly, this idea make salvation a result of our works. We tend to think "work" means physical and recordable actions. But work is effort. Scripture tells us that we are saved "not by works lest any should boast." We see in Romans that Paul says it is "not by human will or exertion" that we receive our salvation. John tells us that it is "not the will of the flesh" that we are born of God. Notice the wording is consistent in that it is not based on human will. If it be human will, our focus is on man and his ability rather than on God and his sovereignty. To see why I believe in God's sovereignty over salvation, click here.

Scripture plainly tells us that salvation is not the work of man. We also see that God is consistent. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. God's will is consistent and eternal. So, if salvation depends not on the works of man, what works can man do to lose it? If man is performing such works that are not in alignment with biblical Christian behavior, is he truly born again? We see in 1 John 3 that anyone who makes a practice of sinning, who is content to live a sinful life, proves that the "seed of God is not within him." We also see in scripture that "you will know them by their fruit." Jesus said that he was the vine and we are the branches and that apart from Him we cannot bear fruit. He also said that there would be some joined to the tree that do not bare fruit and that they will be cut off and cast into the fire. Salvation is evidenced in works that are rooted in love, which is the great command of the new covenant.

Now, for those truly marked by the seed of God, we have an inheritance in heaven that is "sealed by the Holy Spirit until the day of Christ." Other verses say "chosen in Christ and sealed by the Holy Spirit." Jesus says that He will not lose a single one that is given to Him by the Father. Jesus also says that nothing can pluck us from his hand. We see, even in the parable of the lost sheep, that the sheep was originally part of the shepherd's fold. He didn't go in search of some wild sheep to make his, he went to find HIS sheep that had wandered away. The Bible tells us that "the Lord chastens (disciplines) those whom He loves." When we see our brother or sister in sin, we are to go to them and bring them back. If one is 'back-slidding,' one of two things is happening: 1. He was not truly born of God and will continue in sin. 2. He is born of God and is soon to receive the chastening of the Lord to restore him. The second is covered by grace, which is sufficient for our sin.

"The more sin abounds, the more grace abounds." Paul's next words are crucial. "So then should we continue to sin so that grace will abound more and more? Indeed not!" We are not to take advantage of the grace given us, but to take comfort in it. This is the great confidence of the believer. That we have been "joined with Christ in his resurrection"and "what the Lord hath joined together, let no man put asunder."

So the question remains, what about those "fall from grace" verses? I think the best picture that can be drawn to explain this is from Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan. The main character, Christian, made his way to the path that leads to the celestial city. In order to enter the path, he came through the wicket gate as directed by
Evangelist, his first guide. As Christian walked along the path, he came by two men who had made their way onto the path by coming over the walls. Eventually, fear along the way cause them to abandon the path. Yet, Christian continued because he was given guidance and security at the gate. Grace is the road to eternal life. There are many that come to this road by other means, but soon loose their way because they did not enter through the gate. Jesus says in John 10, "Truly, truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door but climbs in by another way, that man is a thief and a robber."

What the Lord has established, no man can tear down! Take heart, friends! He has overcome the world and secured for you life everlasting! Grace to you!

The Truth of the Gospel

Over the past year or so, God has been doing a remarkable change in my heart and within my theology. I have been a Christian for a long time, yet have only recently realized that I have, for much of that time, denied the fullness of God's power and sovereignty over my life and this world. As Ashley and I prepare ourselves and our family for missions in the near future (shout out to Bolivia - we're comin' soon!), we have been immersing ourselves in God's word, seeking revelation and insight, so that our theology would be strong and the message of Christ, clear. I guess this journey could be summed up in this passage (from Romans 11:36 through 12:2):

"For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

All my life, I have assumed a value that was not mine to assume. I have walked with the idea that my will was important. I have believed that I was necessary to God's kingdom. I have perpetuated the idea that God created man for fellowship. I have taught that the purpose of Christ's death was to bring man back from the fall of sin in Adam and into right relationship; this, I declared because I was taught to believe that the highest purpose given to creation was relationship with God. All my life, I believed a lie.

It sounds nice to tell someone, "God loves you!" or to preach that relationship, not religion, is the answer. Its seems practical and good to declare God's desire for our hearts. It feels good to be taught that the choice is mine. 2 Timothy 4:3-5 says:

"For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."

We tend to presume that we know God's heart and we, at liberty, appropriate God's love as we see fit. We, church-going believers, act as if we know the mind of God. We cannot know the mind of God; we cannot fathom the mind of God. 1 Corinthians 1:20-25 says:

"Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men."

Over many years, hundreds of years, we have let humanism creep into the church to substantiate the self-proclaimed deity of man. We have exalted ourselves, petitioning the throne of God for a chance to sit in it. As someone once said (I can't remember who), "we, who were made to occupy the foot of the throne of God, now sit at the throne expecting God to bow at the foot of ours." This is truth. It may not be evident in our statement of faith or in the words of our speech, but it is truly evident in the script of our behavior. We have slowly and without observation distorted the enormity of our God. His reach has no end and his power is without limit. He is all-knowing and ever-present. "Who can resist his will?"

We overlook scriptures like, "You hate all who do wrong" and "whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him." We don't like to talk about God's hate or his wrath because its scary and doesn't draw a crowd. However, it does draw people to repentance; which, incidentally, is the first step to salvation (you know, before you say the prayer and sign the card). We like nice neatly wrapped packages, and the truth of the Bible does not necessarily fit this bill. But, it is the only truth that will set you free.

Through my next few blogs, I will attempt to explain what God has shown me to be the truth of scripture. I will warn you, though, it is a truth that I believed to be a lie for most my life. On the other hand, it may be the millionth refutation of Aminianism (free-will salvation) or one of a great many defenses of Calvanism (pre-destination). One limits God's power and exalts man's authority, while the other recognizes God's might and enjoys man's frailty.