This may sound bad for a parent to talk about his kids this way, but guys, let's be honest: kids are born manipulators. Parents inadvertently teach the importance and skill of manipulation through behavior control. I want her to lay down without questions and sleep for however long it takes me to get the things done that I cannot do while the kids are awake, or simply for me to rest for an hour. I want her to walk calmly and quietly in public beside me. I want her to take responsibility for her things and her choices. I want to control her. What happens, though, is that we battle for an hour, she sleeps for 20 minutes and I am angry, she is grumpy, for the rest of the day. Everyday. Control is not the answer, but that is our go-to tactic. Control. "Control your kids" is the cry from society. We no longer implore teaching or "training a child up in the way he should go."
I am not a perfect parent. I fail miserably every single stinking, difficult day. I am angry when I should be joyful. I am impatient when I should be patient. I am wrathful when I should be bearing in love. Why? Those are easy emotions. They don't require any kind of control.
Galatians 5:20-23; "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these...But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control..."
Colossians 3:1-8, 12-14; "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desires, and covetousness which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth....Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other...and above all these put on love..."
My anger as a parent at my kids is not godly or good fruit. It is a work of my flesh and it is sinful. My anger and my wrath as the result. I am not perfect and holy. Only God is. His wrath on my sin is just. My wrath on my child for not conforming to my need for control is not just. It is not wrought from my faith in Christ. And because it is not the result of my faith, it is sin. Realizing this, I am seeing even more just how much of a sinner I really am and how often I fail - everyday. The point is that now I can learn and mature. My prayer is that I learn to develop the same love with my kids that allows me to "bear with my neighbor" in his or her sin. My prayer is that God will help me to separate my identity as a "successful Christian parent" from my children's choices, realizing that my kids are sinners too. Training them, teaching them, is what I am instructed to do, and "they will not depart far from" that instruction. I am not called to control them, but that idea is so hard to overcome.
What is most difficult to do, and to walk out, is a life of training and instruction. I am called to instruct my kids as we go along our day. I am called to train my kids using the circumstance and situations of life. I am to take the time to explain why I (or the family) has made a particular choice or acted in a particular way. This is not easy parenting. In fact, it is soooo much easier to just use spankings, time-outs, rewards, etc to modify their behavior. I'm not saying there should not be consequences or rewards - goodness no! But, I am saying that those should be the smallest and most minute aspect of our child-rearing. We are supposed to bear with them - meaning we carry a weight too. You can't bear with someone, unless you have the yoke on your shoulders too. But far too often, we think parenting is sitting back with the whip while we steer and direct. I'm guilty of this, so guilty.
Lord help me not to be a lazy, angry, wrathful, impatient parent. Help me to bear with my kids, instructing them in the Lord and modeling for them, with the strength of Christ, the fruits of the Spirit. Remind me of your word and your patience with me. Remind me of your joy to bear with me and let that joy spur me to bear with my children as they learn your ways and grow to love your word. Thank you that I am not alone and that you, by your spirit, strengthen me to walk in each step you've planned for me as a dad. Forgive me for parenting in my flesh, and help me to be lead by your spirit as I teach and instruct. In Christ name I pray and trust, Amen.
Questions for myself and for you:
1. How will you change your engagement and attitude toward your children's poor choices?
2. How will you implement instruction "in the way they should go" from this point forward?
3. How will you challenge yourself to know the difference between control and instruction?
4. How will I live in front of my children strategically through example?
5. How will I deal with their failings in a way that will instruct and train them, rather than simple behavior modification?
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