Thoughts on Mother's Day

She woke up before the alarm, as was common on Sundays, and sleepily began her routine of starting the Keurig for her morning cup of java flavored motivation and tossing her and her husband's church clothes into the dryer for the Sunday "ironing." After adding a bit of sweetened fancy creamer to her over-sized mug from her trip to the mountains, she settled into the couch to surf facebook and drink her coffee while waiting for the dryer to buzz. She quickly regretted the daily dose of social media as she scrolled passed all the Mother's Day posts. It wasn't that she was against Mother's Day or had any negative views of mothers, in fact, she loved her mother deeply and had arranged for her to receive flowers and a card the day before, and looked forward to their afternoon chat on the phone. It's just that she deeply wanted to be a mother and had not yet experienced that "special miracle of life." So, while she wanted to be happy for those mothers being celebrated, she inwardly wrestled with her own frustration, jealousy, anger, sadness, and a million other emotions in the mix. And, the guilt for feeling many of those feelings helped her to push that bubbling conflict down below the surface so that it went unseen. "This is a day for mothers," she thought, "I should be silent." 

I wonder how many women go through a similar routine on days like today. As a man, its a bit of a stretch for me to understand those emotions, but I'm not blind to them. I remember watching my sister hide her pain behind her smile, enduring 2 ectopic pregnancies and a failed attempt at in-vitro. I remember the awkward feeling in church when mothers were asked to stand for recognition, and she remained seated. (God eventually blessed her with TWO beautiful, biological girls.) But, it isn't always just a matter of infertility and not every story ends in a surprise pregnancy. Have you ever wondered how moms of adopted children sometimes may feel? They get the card, the recognition in church, and the big breakfast. But do they feel like a legitimate member of the "mom-team"? They do all the mom stuff, and their love is just a big and fierce for their children. But, sometimes they struggle. And not just on Mother's Day.

Why bring this up? Well, as you post your Mother's Day comments to make the moms in your life feel special, be careful which words you choose to use. Focus on motherhood, not so much on gestation. Not just for the adoptive mom, but for the adopted child reading your posts as well. Be sure not to indirectly lessen the legitimacy of those bonds and relationships that are built on adoption versus biology. And, don't feel bad if you have done so unaware. One thing I admire about the women that surround me, is their resilience and wherewithal to value intent over action. They can handle it, just help us make it so that they don't have to so often. I mean some of it is funny. The whole "women who pee when they laugh" or "you owe me for my swollen feet and umpteen hours in labor" gets some smirks and laughs, don't stop that - by all means milk that for some extra chocolates. Just, try to keep that more in the family instead of the world wide web of eyes. Because lets be honest, motherhood is so much more than giving birth. It is teaching, guiding, loving, caring, nurturing, comforting, etc, etc, etc. It is a work that is never done and requires a thousand percent more energy than a person could have.

Today, I want to take a sec to honor an amazing mom, my wife. She is an adoptive mother and so much more. God didn't bless us with bio-kids, but he sure blessed us with OUR kids. Regardless of biology, DNA, or one of those hereditary abilities like curling a tongue, Ashley is THEIR mother, and Cruz, Carmen, and Lola (and D as soon as we get him home) are HER children. I have watched her tend to their needs with love and patience. I've witnessed her hard work to teach them how to do big and small tasks. I've been amazed at how she keeps on top of their sizes in clothing, when they need new toothbrushes or underwear, and even everything they ate during the day. She has a keen sense of when they are upset, need a hug, or are looking for some encouragement. I see her cry for them, pray for them, and at times miss them when they are asleep in the next room. She perfectly manages the duties of motherhood, responsibilities of a full-time job, and being the most amazing and supportive wife a man could ask for. I am continually amazed at this beautiful woman who is an incredibly wonderful mom. She not only loves her own children, but her heart has grown and deepened allowing her to wildly love others in general. She doesn't just mother our children, but encourages, prays for, and is present for so many more.

Mother's don't just mother those kids with their same last name or DNA. Mother's aren't just women with kids in their home. There are numerous women out there who do not have bio kids or kids at home, but who are moms to so many kids with 'orphaned' or hurting hearts. Here's to those mothers today too, to those special and strong women who have the capacity to love their nieces and nephews and neighbors and the 'least of these'. I want you to know that you are seen, you are valued, and you are celebrated. You are no less a woman if you have never carried a child. If anything you are stronger, wiser, and more empathetic because of it. There are no traits wrought from suffering or hardship that are not to our benefit. So, happy Mother's Day. Enjoy your day; and know that if you can laugh with your kids or the neighbor's kids without peeing a little - hey that is a benefit too... ;)