How Do I Love My Gay Neighbor?

As I sat at my desk listening to a young man explain his frustration and his fear regarding his life and future, I was somewhat taken aback by his admission of having homosexual attraction and the emotional difficulty he was facing after a recent break-up with his former partner. Hector (we'll call him) was a friend, the brother of one of our youth actually, and had asked to talk to me for advice and prayer. Most people in Bolivia are spiritual people. The culture is greatly steeped in pagan indigenous religion, with burnt offerings to mother earth, shaman witchcraft, and even fetus sacrifices (both human and animal) in certain areas. Most claim to be catholic as well, and the catholicism here is very inundated with pagan perversion - it is common for people to say a Hail Mary, light a candle beneath the picture of Jesus or another saint, then follow this up with k'oa (burnt offering) and the burial of a llama fetus bought in the local market. Bolivians are culturally a "cover all your bases" society in regards to religion. Belief isn't so much connected to living a certain standard of holiness. Most of the society, the largest demographic in the country being between 15 and 35 years old, tend to be very moralistic, but truth is relative. There is a general movement towards tolerance and a push for individual enlightenment - hedonism and spiritual liberalism are ideals. 

That said, lets get back to Hector. Hector wasn't a professing Christian, but he did profess a belief in God, in Jesus, and in God's word. He considers himself to be spiritual and a good person. He views his battle with his sexuality as something more societal rather than religious, meaning that the hurdle is being accepted culturally, not that the Bible portrays it as sin. Bolivia is very tolerant of various lifestyles, however being a typical Latin-American country, machismo doesn't provide much room for boys to act any other way than the cultural norm. Hector wanted to talk to me because I'd developed a reputation in our neighborhood as someone you can talk to about anything and get help for most anything else. We talked a while. I listened, he cried. He told me how he had battled his same-sex attraction for a long time and how it was so freeing to be out of the closet with his family. He told me about the support group he was in and how there he'd met his partner. He explained about how much he loved his partner and that he'd lost his virginity to him. All this to explain why it was so hard for him after his partner terminated the relationship and moved away. Hector wanted to be loved as much as he wanted to love. 

I sat with him as he cried, and offered a shoulder for support. And I prayed for him. In my prayer I prayed for his heart that needed to know deep love. I prayed that God would reveal himself to him. I prayed that God would give me wisdom in how to counsel him and how to be the friend that he needed in this moment. Over the next few weeks, we had several more conversations, did some counseling and a few times just hung out. I was his friend and a support that he needed in this difficult time. We went for burgers and talked in the park about life and it's difficulties. You see, you and I know that he is living in sin. You and I know that his lifestyle is contrary to God's standard. And yes, he needs to know that too. But the thing is, Hector is a person who was hurting, who felt alone, and who needed a friend. 

In the gospels we read a parable told by Jesus of a man who walks sewing seeds along the path. The first seed falls to the ground and a bird comes and eats it. It wasn't planted because the ground was hard. Then a seed falls and gets into the ground and sprouts but the sun came out and the heat killed the seed, because it had no profundity. After, another seed falls and is planted deeply and produces a plant. This time, it's the thorns growing around it that kill the plant. The last seed falls into good fertile soil, and not only sprouts, but produces fruit. That is to say that the plant served a purpose to the sewer, in giving him fruit. I grew up in the Mississippi delta and crops are one the principal industries. Even the "city folk" know a bit about tilling the ground, planting seed, irrigation, and harvesting. I've never met a "sewer" who plants without preparing the soil. 

Hector needs the seed of the gospel. But the parable of the sewer teaches us that just as important as the seed is where you put it. Without tilling and preparing the soil of his heart, the likelihood of growth is incredibly diminished. The growth isn't my job. But I can be wise about how I plant. The softening of a heart is the result of relationship. There is no other way to soften the soil, without taking the time to till it. And time requires sincerity. Hector knew he could open up with me because I was sincerely his friend. Hector is not disgusting, he is not contagious, he is not less of a person. But to answer the question beaming in your mind, yes I told him that homosexuality was a sin. But it's a tricky thing that we too often jump into. Too often we build walls instead of bridges because we are uncomfortable or ignorant or self-righteous. 

Take the word 'homosexuality.' The word refers to a "state of being" attracted to the "same sex." The word is actually relatively new to modern vocabulary, and promotes an idea that is quite dangerous. The suffix "ity" refers to a state of being. And curious enough, homosexuality is the only sin that is proudly attached to our identity, our "state of being." No one goes around saying "I'm a liar" or "I'm a fornicator" as if they should receive an award. Yet, modern culture (particularly modern American culture) promotes the idea of pride. What better way to feel liberated and successful in life that to be able to be proud of "who you are." We live in a society where divorce is common place, relationships are changed out like outfits, men are given perverted ideas of manhood, women are given perverted ideas of womanhood, laziness has given way to negligent parenting, pop-culture is continually pushing the limits for shock and profit, self-esteem is elevated over humility, and working smart has made working hard obsolete. 

But lets take a moment to clarify one of the most important parts of the equation. The sin of homosexuality is not the same as the burden of same-sex attraction. Put it this way, you are asked about something you were supposed to do. In the moment, you desire to lie so as to avoid the disappointment you are about to give. But you don't lie, you tell the truth although it was hard. You did the right thing, even though you desired the wrong thing. We have made a horrible mistake in the modern church by making people think that desire in and of itself is sin. Our flesh desires things that oppose God's holiness. Romans 7 and 8 are great chapters for explaining this. And our flesh will desire sinful things until we are glorified with Christ. We will never stop having desires to sin, but as we grow in Christ, our desires begin to change and we begin to bear the fruit of self-control. There are times when certain desires completely disappear. But whether those desires cease, decrease or continue, this does not make us any less a child of God. The proof of our sonship is in our behavior and our response in light of those desires. Do we bear good fruit? Do I obey God's word faithfully?

In my chat with Hector, I made sure he knew two things. That I sincerely considered him a friend, that I cared for him. And two, that I was a believer bound by God's word. I explained that I would be here for him. I'd pray for him, counsel him in his hurt, be his friend. But that he should also know what God's word says. I told him that his identity was more than his same-sex attraction and that I simply needed him to understand who Jesus was, what Jesus did, and why that's important. Once I explained it, I did not make rounds to try and convince him it was wrong or to get him to change. In the conversation I was direct yet respectful and showed him what God's word says about sin (including homosexual sin). I tilled the soil, planted the seed of Gospel truth, and now it's up to God for the growth. We have to remember that it is the Holy Spirit which convicts the world of sin, and that it is God's loving kindness which brings men to repentance. I told him he needed to repent and believe. But I also told him, regardless of his choice he was my friend and that I would always treat him with respect and dignity. This was over 2 years ago. He is still living this lifestyle. He has yet to repent. We are still great friends. I don't know if he'll ever truly come to Christ, but I do know that I have a better opportunity to keep planting seeds as a friend. He has brought other friends to talk to me about various issues. About 2 months ago, his good friend Ricardo came to a youth service. He told me that Hector and his family speak very well of me and he wanted to know about my religion. He has since been consistent in church attendance and is wanting to better understand the gospel. I see the Lord working in his life and pray that God would continue to put people in his life to encourage him in the faith. 

In Matthew, Jesus responds to the accusations of being a "friend of sinners and tax collectors" and says, "come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." I think this is the best verse in all of scripture for those struggling with same-sex attraction. But they are afraid to come. We've yelled and protested so much that they feel dirty, unwanted, unloved, and unredeemable. We have not given them a message of "come those who are weary." Those already in the church, who are suffering this struggle, should feel loved enough that they can be honest with their brothers and sisters and get support, prayer, and love. We need to walk with them as we would the alcoholic and addict. We need to support them as we would those out of trauma or in great difficulty. We need to love them as we would the orphan and widow. Never do we support or ignore their sin, but we have to stop screaming at them and start loving them. We have to welcome them and offer to walk along with them in the process of redemption and sanctification. This is one sin that society says to be proud of, so it's no wonder it'd be the one sin most difficult to navigate lovingly. 

"Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us." - Titus 2:7-8